Diary 45
06.27.24
Since she was born I’ve roamed the wide
plains of solitude an exposed cavity
mornings burning bright black
the space between sisterhood / motherhood
warped under the force of desperation
fuck this violence of home and hollow
no hands making lessons in care
still driving the truck backwards because
haven’t worn out the past just yet
still trying to make sense after
ruin stretching fibers until
someday I’ll show her the meadow
I’ve made solely for us two
07.01.24
Lost my mind visiting metalsmith Randy Stromsoe’s shop, comprised of thousands of specialized tools (some of which once belonged to Porter Blanchard), hammered hollowware and flatware, ornate jewelry, and machinery from the late 1800s. The space was full, but not congested; refined, but not at all minimal. Watched him spin a bowl on an old lathe and talked about the way objects reveal themselves to you. As in, sometimes you start with an idea, and in the process of making, the object presents itself in a different way. As an artist you’re constantly honing your literacy in these situations, learning how to recognize an opportunity to pivot.
07.02.24
Sense Inventory
sound: wind moving through the pines
smell: dust, pine needles, cedar, resins
touch: cold, crisp swim in the river
taste: black coffee & a hefty spoonful of poison oak honey
sight: dogs asleep on the porch
“The light on the night of the boy’s execution, the only light, was pink chair light green violet violent flesh.”
—Kathy Acker, Empire of the Senseless
“The night is long. I didn’t have much self-protection.”
—Kevin Killian, Bedrooms Have Windows
07.03.24
Drove the truck out to the river wanting a place to hide. I didn’t say a word along the way, only heard the metal doors rattling over rocks in the road, occasionally glanced back at the phantasmal clouds of dust dragging behind the wheels, dissolving. There’s this part of me I’m real familiar with now that needs solitude. Feel like I’ve spent the last few years seeking out the quiet corners of this planet, and this river is one of them.
Right as I reached the water I stripped naked, dove under and disappeared for a while, blush of silence engulfing me. Don’t know how long I spent down there, I wasn’t thinking at all. Though when I finally resurfaced I realized I’d left something back there on the road but couldn’t name it if you asked me.
