Diary 48

08.18.24

01

Falling dead stars
brilliant
crushing
wet heat of bodies

colliding

forever (whispered)
forever (wordless)

02

Assembling fragments

by weight
on the raw edge

of an illuminated
whole

Indigo

each time the snake slipped into my bed
I knew I was going to die. though
I hardly felt it—the snake, it’s faint
presence only evident in the sheets
which held the imprint of it’s lithe,
muscular body even after it’d gone.
It was a ritual I anticipated, invariably
timed in the space between conscious-
ness and unconsciousness, half-awake
half-asleep, the snake coming alongside
me in bed, moving like fluid. I never
thought I’d imagined it. In fact, I saw
it all happen from behind my eyelids—
an indigo snake like living porcelain,
unusually large, soft pearlescent scales
grazing the length of my body leisurely
as if measuring my size, assessing the
damage. I could pinpoint the moment
the snake had entered the bedroom,
gliding swiftly over the floor, ascending
the bed frame, easing it’s heart-shaped
face under the covers, a familiar, sweet
musky odor like wet grass permeating
the room. I had no fear. I knew the snake
to be a very gentle creature and so every
night, in my final hour, I let myself expire
peacefully, silently, cozy in dreams. for
I considered this an honorable way to
leave the world, and was immensely
grateful to the snake for it’s kindness,
in spite of all my wrongdoings. except
last night, for the first time, I woke midway
through our practice— found the snake
roving my thighs, my stomach, working
it’s way towards my chest, and felt more
alive and more dead with each raising hair.

08.20.24

This year I’ve felt my past colliding with my present, dredging old thought patterns and old habits that clearly aren’t serving me anymore (never served me, really.) The work’s been heavy. There’s this lyric in Bella White’s song, “Gutted” that I’ve been holding close throughout the process. She sings, I’d be a fool to think my burdens are something I don’t carry. Which nailed me right where it hurts. I’ve romanticized running off into the woods, living in solitude, partly because that’s where I feel the most peace, but also because I have so much I’m carrying that I don’t want other people to see—shame, guilt, anger, immense sorrow. I’ve believed running away, hiding, leading a vagabond lifestyle would liberate me from the responsibility of handling these emotions, but this belief has been misleading. My burdens are something I carry wherever I go.

Partially related, for a long time my behavior in romantic relationships has confused the hell out of me. After hearing friends talk about it, I took an attachment styles quiz that’s answered a lot of my questions. For the sake of empathy, I’m posting some bullet points below on Fearful Avoidant/Disorganized Attachment:

-neediness coupled with avoidance

-don’t know how to manage conflict without escalation

-common in children who lived in an abusive household

-craving for love combined with the belief that you don’t deserve it

-self-sabotaging behaviors, ruining your relationship in fear of what’s to come (letting the relationship “bleed out”)

-instead of talking to your partner about your relationship, your solution is to leave

-don’t know how to deal with relationships once they get past the honeymoon stage

-really good at picking up on emotional cues, reading people’s faces, tone of voice, etc. out of the lens of self-protection (learned behavior in childhood)

-when your partner is upset, you become disconnected and, instead of comforting them, you ignore them. caused by being overwhelmed and incapable of dealing with your own and other people’s feelings.

-you refuse to commit because you would be giving the other person the power to hurt you. it feels safer to keep your distance, but eventually this is what ends up hurting you anyway.

-marked by a craving for deep & meaningful intimate relationships made impossible by fear and avoidance of emotional connection

-unpredictable moods. you interpret situations in a way that reinforces your beliefs, so instead of reality, your actions reflect your fears. Any kind of conflict makes you believe that you’re the problem, that your partner can’t possibly love you and that you’re about to be abandoned.

Odd Nerdrum, “The Kiss,” 2002.