Diary 14

WHEEL OF EMOTIONS

Inspired by Robert Plutchik’s Feelings Wheel, created by Leigh Patterson of The Moon Lists.

A- Ecstasy
The Ecstasy of St. Theresa.

B- Vigilance
Looking and listening for rattlesnakes on hikes in the heat of the day.

C- Rage
A homeless man yelling, with veins like thick tree roots protruding from his neck, bent over with his fists behind his back. He lurches his body toward nothing at all. I watch him purge, engulfed by flames, a soul on fire projected into his voice.

D- Loathing
The fear I experience whenever I’m in a tight space with another man.

E- Grief
Keening; a traditional form of lament for the dead, a grief practice.
”The Keening Tradition.” The Keening Wake.
”No Keening Carried On Nowadays.” Lapham’s Quarterly, 5/17/2021.

F- Amaze
A facetime with my 9 year old sister putting on makeup. I was stunned by how adeptly she did it.

G- Terror
Occasionally I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic. I’ll lie completely still and take deep breaths, try to calm myself down, but it’s rarely effective. My nerves feel like live wires that someone has put a flame to. The most miniscule sounds like a bird chirping in the night, or a neighbor opening their screen door, are the flick of the lighter. I sweat and wait for the unbearable anxiety to pass while my insides spark and spaz.

H- Admiration
I sat in the garden of my dear friend Jupiter’s and listened to her talk about her upbringing in Hungary. When Hungary was invaded by Russia in the 1950s, she succeeded in escaping to Germany, where she became a freedom fighter with a group of other Hungarians/Germans. Two stories I wish I’d gotten an audio recording of- blowing up a bridge, and writing poems that criticized communism, which she sent in an airplane that scattered them all over Eastern Germany and Hungary. Her ability to interweave characters, settings and dialogue brought the narratives to life so starkly I probably could’ve taken notes for my own writing. All of the badass and noble, the melancholic, and the witty moments were made visible again as she spoke.

I- Joy
Always relish a good book.

J- Anticipation
Eager for my next trip to my boyfriend. We’re going on six months apart since I last visited him in Chicago and I miss my person.

K- Anger
Anger isn’t one of my primary emotions, but if I am, I might be listening to doom or sludge metal. // Audhumbla- Monolord

L- Disgust
Sexual harassment, sexual violence, pedophilia. Doesn’t repel me like a food I dislike but galvanizes me to send a bow and arrow to the chest of every old pervert I see watching little girls play on the beach…

M- Sadness
Maybe not sad so much as I am sentimental. Strawberries are in season here and I live a couple minutes from a field of them, where people can go and pick bucketfuls of the plump berries and snack on some along the way. In the Midwest, mulberries were my equivalent. My sister and I would walk our dogs around our neighborhood and pick them as we went, or we would be on a hike with my dad at the forest preserve and stumble upon a mulberry tree, whose soil was spotted with the berries that had fallen, burst or picked at by small critters. They’re sweet and sometimes taste woody. The only form of mulberries I can get my hands on here are dried.

N- Surprise
The engine in my truck started overheating, found out it was a $1300 repair.

O- Fear
So much of it nowadays I don’t know where to begin. I’ve cut back on my news consumption a degree because it engendered unnecessary anxiety.

P- Trust
I have a difficult time releasing control over literally anything, so I’m still learning this one.

Q- Serenity
Swims in the ocean are so soothing this time of year, they feel like a warm bath.

R-Interest
Learning another language, silversmithing, how to eat seasonally.

S- Annoyance
Every Wednesday around six a.m. a maintenance crew from my apartment complex trims two bushes right under my bedroom window.

T- Boredom
I don’t feel like boredom is an emotion I experience often. If I’m having a lackadaisical day, I’m still enjoying the quiet time to rest. Maybe boredom prompts me to start a new creative project, or look for new jobs, or plan a trip, but it’s rare that I really let myself wallow in it.

U- Pensiveness
”Thunder, They Told Her.” The Paris Review Podcast, season 1 episode 12.

V- Distraction
This song has been on a loop in my head.

W- Apprehension
Returning to old books that were challenging for me a few years ago and finding hidden gems; new information revealed through a more mature comprehension of vocabulary and syntax. Always satisfying.

X- Acceptance
I’ve been using the word “alongside” recently; “will come alongside you, will walk alongside you.” I love that it communicates being next to someone or something instead of on top, or underneath. This tells so much about acceptance for me.