Diary 13

NOTES:
ennui: (noun) a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement // “to succumb to ennui and despair”
maw: (noun) the jaws or throat of a voracious animal // “a gaping maw”
morass: (noun) an area of muddy or boggy ground; a complicated or confused situation // “a muddy morass; lost in a morass of lies”
schlepper: (noun) an inept or stupid person // '“a schlepper of the first order”
yip: (noun) a short, sharp cry or yelp, especially of excitement or delight // ”a case of the yips”

“If you want to teach people a new way of thinking, don’t bother trying to teach them. Instead, give them a tool, the use of which will lead to new ways of thinking.”
R. Buckminster Fuller

MEDIA:
”Three Perspectives on Home” Generation Us, episode #48
Isabel Ling, “Practicing Pleasure.” MOLD, 4/09/2021.

06.02.21

A phone call with my grandma that felt like a new spring. I hadn’t made the decision to move across the country, away from family with regard to the time I have left with my grandparents, and as I’ve gotten older, have realized that that time is important to me. I’ve only recently sought out the pockets in my week to call or text one of them (thankful that they’re all still living). The most recent call was with my mom’s mom, my Croatian grandmother, which tugged on all the right strings, unraveled me with both nostalgia and curiosity. Nostalgia, in that I longed for the time I spent with my grandma growing up, wanted to draw on the kitchen table while she baked or help her prepare snacks for her cockatiels. I longed to reabsorb all of the memories I have with her from my childhood. And simultaneously, hearing her speak piqued my curiosity, made me want to learn her like I’d never known her. “Who is the woman who is also my ‘grandmother?’” I asked, realizing that I’ve mostly only known her as the latter, perceived her through the role of my caretaker, guardian, the-woman-who-feeds-me-and-washes-my-clothes-and-slips-me-twenty-dollar-bills-on-my-way-out. The duality of these two feelings, yearning for the past and excitement for the maturing future with her, had a liberating effect. I both remembered the pleasant memories from my childhood, received genuine joy from them, and became excited by new information, was eager to learn more about who she is and where she came from. She mentioned she’s been painting. “Do you like to paint?” I asked, thinking that it was a hobby she’d just recently picked up. “I am a painter! My dad was a painter!” she laughed, got excited to talk about. I hung up the phone feeling lighter, reenergized.

06.07.21

A run in the rain. “June gloom,” a phrase most are using as they remark on the weather right now, is here, and I’m thankful for it.
grey water, turbulent water
heavy, wet sand
the smell of ozone
raindrops or sweat collecting on my eyelashes?
sound of my light breaths intermingling with the patter of the rain
aching thighs, resistance; then euphoria, ease

06.08.21

Thinking about puzzle pieces a lot. I switched jobs a couple weeks ago and have been battling displacement, feeling scattered and estranged. I sat down with a shattered ruby bowl and made a puzzle of it’s shards. The glass was thick, the edges soft. I organized the fragments not by their original fit, I wasn’t trying to put the bowl back together, but by the shapes and sizes of the pieces themselves. I played with arranging them by their grooves and outlines, by their density, by negative space, and was delighted by all the nuances. The shards could be collected, put together in so many different ways. In some way this spoke to how I’ve been feeling and comforted me immensely. Trying to dissect this lesson a bit more.